The Retrospectroscope

Mom was admitted to hospital last weekend. She was ill for a couple of days, and we thought she was getting better. But she got worse all of a sudden, and we admitted her to hospital.

In hospital, tests were done, and urgent treatment instituted. She made improvements – not as quickly as we expected, but nonetheless… again, we thought she was getting better. We were wrong. This weekend, she got worse “all of a sudden”, and now she is in ICU.

They say hindsight is 20-20. And it’s true! It is so clear the clues were all there, how could we have missed them. They were so obvious!

Part of the answer must be wishful thinking. We paid attention to the signs of improvement, and denied the danger signs hinting that things were worse than expected. We told everyone and ourselves that mom was improving, and promised her she would be home soon.

Only now, when we apply the retrospectroscope, we realise how wrong we had been.

And isn’t that how we live out our lives? We move forward, and suddenly something happens and our world view is shattered. What happened? Were there warning signs? Why did we miss them? If we were honest, we might see that we had ignored twinges of discomfort, preferring the illusion that all was fine.

That is how it is with me, anyway. I prefer to err on the side of being positive. Look on the bright side, things aren’t so bad, count your blessing etc. But I’m trying to change this, and to learn to face reality in all it’s dimensions. I’m learning to be still, to centre myself… to observe, and to accept. Life is real, it can be painful and unpleasant, and to be truly alive is to know that such feelings exist and face them.

And the reality is – over the last week while mom was in hospital “getting better”, I had not been able to relax or sleep well. Some deep part of me must have recognised the unspoken reality that she was more ill than we all acknowledged. But now she is in ICU, and definitive treatment has been undertaken. She is stable for the moment. More importantly, we have really done all we could. I think I will sleep well tonight.

Pyjamas

Coming home from the supermarket at noon, I noted mom was in front of the TV with a book, in her pyjamas.

“You’re still in pyjamas?” I teased.

“These are not pyjamas!” she said.

“Oh, they’re not?”

“This is Home wear”.

I guess I learned something new today. 🙂

Coffee and fleeing thoughts

I see an old colleague in the cafe near the office. She hasn’t been well, I heard. Getting forgetful.

I join her.

Hi, Rachel, remember me?

Oh, hi! What are you doing now? 

Same old, same old. What about you? What have you been up to these days?

Oh, I’m giving it up. I’m going to stop it all. My last position, volunteering at the hospice… It will end in two months.

Really retiring now, finally, eh? What do you really look forward to?

Er.. reading. It’s so important. To read a good book.…. Say, what are you doing nowadays?

Just the usual …. What are your plans the rest of today?

After this, I’m going to the bank. And then… I’m going home. Next week, I’m taking a holiday. 

That’s fantastic. Where are you going?

To Malaysia. Be close to nature. I find it… refreshing, really refreshing. You know, this place, really difficult to find the way. Bad design.

Yes, there’ve been a lot of changes. New shops. It doesn’t look anything like what it used to.

Yes, yes.

Look, let me not hold you back. Can I walk you back to your car? Where did you park?

The usual place. Level 2.

I was getting really concerned. There are no carparks on Level 2.

Do you remember which lift you took? Look, I’ll bring you down the lift nearer our offices. We’ll start looking there.

We found her car ten minutes later and she drove off. I looked after her with concern. What will she do? Who will look after her? She didn’t have family and lived on her own. Probably her friends will have to band together. I made a mental note to look them up.